


Thousands of Roses

by ScarletEyesInTheNight123456789



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Best Friends, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Possibly Unrequited Love, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2020-12-24 22:41:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21107195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarletEyesInTheNight123456789/pseuds/ScarletEyesInTheNight123456789
Summary: Gon is the light that brightens Killua's world. Gon is the boy who makes Killua's heart skip a beat whenever he looks his way. But Killua is reluctant to admit these feelings to himself. Will Kurapika and Leorio's attempts at matchmaking work?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everyone! I'm excited to be posting this story here, and I'd love to hear feedback on what you like about this story and what I should improve upon.
> 
> If you're interested in becoming a beta reader for this story, then just let me know :)

Killua had to admit that Wing’s ceiling was somewhat interesting. After all, there were spots here and there where the paint was beginning to crack, but there were also some areas where the paint job was absolutely flawless, and –

“You’re bored, too, Killua?” Gon’s cheery voice was slightly duller than usual – something that no one but Killua would ever notice.

Killua sat up from where he was on the sofa. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Gon was sitting in a chair at the coffee table, his head tilted toward the window, rays of light reflected in his wistful golden eyes. Killua knew that, if it were up to Gon, he would already be outside right now. And Killua couldn’t blame him. Gon was made for days like these – sunny days where there was not a single cloud to be seen in the sky.

“When do you think Wing-san will be back?” Zushi asked, and Killua quickly moved his gaze away from Gon. Zushi was sitting on the floor, preoccupying himself with a yo-yo that Killua had given him.

Killua shrugged. While the three of them had been training, Wing had suddenly and inexplicably realized that he had forgotten to go grocery shopping. In Killua’s opinion, this was a tad irresponsible, but whatever.

What felt like a century later, the door to the apartment opened and Wing emerged, carrying several bulking bags of what was probably boring healthy food, if Killua had to guess.

And then it occurred to Killua that the three of them were probably all due for a scolding. He rolled his eyes, readying himself for the lecture.

“I see that none of you were training while I was away, like I instructed you to do.” Then, Wing sighed. “But I suppose a break is necessary every once in a while.”

“Do you...really mean that?” Killua asked. After all, since when had Wing ever given them a break? Wing hadn’t canceled training in weeks, not even that day when Killua had pretended to be busy with schoolwork (during summer vacation) or when Gon had come down with a sudden fever one day.

Wing smiled. “Of course. You’ll be able to concentrate better if you’ve rested a bit first. Now, why don’t we all go on a short outing today?”

Killua immediately jumped up and could feel himself buzzing with excitement. “Where are we going?”

Wing laughed. “You’ll find out if the three of you help me put away these groceries first –“

Needless to say, Wing didn’t even need to finish his sentence.

As Killua set one of the bags on the kitchen table, he felt his arm brush against another. He looked to his right and saw Gon reach into the bag that Killua was holding, pulling out a loaf of bread.

Time froze, and all Killua was aware of was Gon. His wide, expressive eyes. The scent of his citrusy shampoo. That faint smile that always graced his lips.

And then Killua realized that he had simply been standing there, staring at the spot where Gon had just been. Killua quickly began to pack away the rest of the groceries, thankful that neither Gon nor Zushi seemed to have noticed his strange behavior.

Fear, worry, guilt….These were all emotions that Killua faced whenever time froze around Gon, whenever the world became unimaginably brighter. This time, he chose to deal with it the way he always did – by trying to forget that it had happened.

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

“A CARNIVAL!!!!” Zushi, Gon, and Killua all shouted in unison once Wing pulled into the parking lot. Dazzling lights, cotton candy in every color, a giant ferris wheel….The three of them thanked Wing profusely before eagerly setting out.

Ten minutes later, Killua found himself in front of a fortune teller booth, Gon and Zushi both begging him to get his fortune told.

“You have to, Killua! It’s so awesome!”

“Pleeeeease, Killua!”

“Fine, fine, I’ll do it,” Killua said, pretending to roll his eyes. “Even though these things are just scams, anyways. But what did your fortunes say?”

“We’re not telling until you’ve gotten yours done!” Gon said, laughing. There wasn’t anything else in the world that was quite like Gon’s laugh. It echoed in Killua’s ears and infected him with a rush of adrenaline.

“I see how it is,” Killua replied with a joking wink, making Gon laugh again, like he knew he would.

“We’ll be in the arcade when you’re finished, Killua. Okay?” said Gon, gently placing his hand on Killua’s shoulder for a brief moment. One second, two, three…. Gon pulled his hand away, and Killua realized he had been holding in his breath. As he took his next breath, he met Gon’s innocent, unsuspecting gaze.

“Alright, I’ll see you there.” Killua felt himself begin to…blush? Since when had Killua ever blushed about anything?

Gon and Zushi left, and Killua had plenty of time to think as he waited in line. He wasn’t sure he could keep writing off these odd feelings that he got around Gon anymore. But once again, he pushed this worry out of his head.

And now, Killua could feel his heart beating with anticipation. No matter what he said, Killua had always believed in fortune tellers. After all, he had had his fortune read once before, and it had come true.

“Next?”

Killua took a seat inside of the booth and was greeted by a young woman in her mid-twenties with blue eyes and pink hair that had been tied up into a ponytail.

“Place your palms on the table. Okay now, let’s take a look….Judging by the heart line here, you fall in love easily.”

Killua scoffed, and the girl chuckled.

“And you also have a thirst for adventure. I see a marriage line as well. And you will have, if I’m not mistaken, two children – a boy and a girl, both perfectly healthy.”

Killua looked at his palms, his stomach sinking.

“Is something wrong, young man?”

He shook his head. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.”

“Really? Then, why do you look so upset?” She paused for a moment, thinking. “Hmm….” Then, it seemed as though a lightbulb had gone off in her mind, but she kept her silence.

She smiled kindly. “Oh, and I just remembered! You are the one hundredth customer to come by the booth today, and so you win a prize.”

Temporarily shaken out of his negative mood, Killua looked up. “Yeah? What sort of prize?”

“You have the opportunity to send a gift to someone special. All you need to do is write in their address here.”

Killua raised an eyebrow. “What kind of gift?”

“It’s a secret,” she said, putting a finger to her lips.

Just barely keeping himself from rolling his eyes, Killua wrote down the address for Heavens Arena, making sure to include Gon’s room number. Whatever it was, they’d be able to find out together.

……………………………………………………………………….

Later, on the ferris wheel, Killua recounted to Gon everything that the fortune teller had told him. Well, everything except all that stuff about the prize. That was going to be a surprise.

“What? That’s the same fortune that I got!” said Gon, looking amazed. “I wonder if she made it up, or if it was real.”

Killua shrugged, sipping on the vanilla milkshake that he had just bought. “Who knows? But I think it was probably made up.”

Gon pondered this for a moment, looking out of the window as they descended slowly through the air. “Did you think that girl was pretty? I liked her eyes.”

Killua nearly choked. “Well…yeah, I think she was.” He and Gon had never talked too much about girls before. Usually, they were focused on other things, like training or exploring the city.

Killua couldn’t bring himself to say anything else for a few moments. Suddenly, the sunlight surrounding Gon seemed less bright, and his heart felt less full.

“Are you okay, Killua?” Concern shone in Gon’s eyes, and Killua couldn’t help but smile.

“I am.”

And then he realized how close he was to Gon and could feel himself blushing again, just like he had earlier. Their shoulders were side by side, nearly touching. “I am,” Killua repeated absentmindedly.

Gon looked mildly confused, but gave a genuine smile that lit up Killua’s world a thousand times over.

………………………………………………………………

The next day, the package arrived in Gon’s room.

Er…packag_es_. And lots of them. Three hundred of them, to be exact.

“Wow! Three hundred bouquets! And there are ten roses in each one! So, how many would that be, Killua?”

“That would be…three thousand roses, Gon. Three thousand.”

Was this for real? It couldn’t be! Whose idea was it to send three thousand roses to someone as a gift?

“Does this mean that I have a secret admirer?” Gon pondered casually. “But who could it be? Killua, can you help me figure out who it is?”

Killua forced out a nervous smile. “Sure.”

Oh boy. Killua was in big trouble this time.

But he could handle this, right?

Right?


	2. Chapter 2

Killua dipped his spoon into his sundae, savoring the rich taste of caramel and vanilla. Sunlight poured in through the windows of Yorknew City’s finest ice cream parlor, illuminating the three friends as they burst out in laughter over one of Killua’s jokes, their usual stresses temporarily forgotten.

“You know, you’re a pretty good babysitter, Kurapika,” Killua said, smirking. “I mean, I doubt Leorio would have recommended this good of an ice cream place for us.”

“That sounds like a compliment, Killua,” said Kurapika, wearing a slight smile. “Does this mean that you’ll listen to my advice from now on?”

Killua shrugged. “That would have to depend on the advice.”

Kurapika smiled, before looking over at Gon and sighing. “Gon, you smeared ice cream on your face again.”

“Really? Where?”

Killua shook his head, smiling. He knew that he could be immature sometimes, but Gon acted even more like a kid than he did. Kurapika got up and wiped the ice cream off his face with a napkin, successfully carrying out his role as temporary babysitter. Once Kurapika finished, Gon hummed lightly to the pop song playing in the parlor as he swirled his ice cream around his dish, not noticing Killua’s stolen glances.

But then, just as he had been teaching himself to do for the past month or so, Killua forced himself to look away.

And then Gon mentioned the roses.

“Kurapika, we didn’t tell you about the gift that got sent to me in Heavens Arena, right?”

Killua fell silent, playing with his spoon as Gon recounted the story.

“This secret admirer must have been someone who knew your room number,” Kurapika speculated at the end of Gon’s explanation.

“But I didn’t tell any girls my room number!” Gon said.

Killua could feel his face burning up. Thankfully, the conversation ended abruptly when someone walked up to their booth.

The girl looked to be around the same age as Gon and Killua, short and tiny with dark red hair and a small oval face. Her bright blue eyes were cast downward as she fiddled nervously with a sleeve of her white dress. Killua couldn’t deny that she was very pretty, beautiful even.

“Hey,” she said, and it was only now that Killua realized she was looking directly at Gon. “I couldn’t help but notice you when I walked in here, and I wanted to know what your name was?”

Gon seemed surprised, but addressed her in his usual upbeat tone. “My name’s Gon. What’s your name?”

“I’m Sierra.” Her voice faltered a bit as she spoke. “I just wanted to know if I could have your cell phone number?”

“Sure! Here, I’ll type it into your phone….”

Killua exchanged looks with Kurapika, who seemed amused with what was happening.

And Killua felt as though he should be having the same reaction. Instead, he felt something very different.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Later that evening, Killua lounged around on the couch in his hotel room, watching the weather report with Kurapika.

“That girl sure works quickly. Who would have thought that their date would be on the same day that they exchanged numbers?” Kurapika mused.

“Tell me about it,” Killua said, unable to help the resignation seeping into his voice.

Kurapika glanced at Killua out of the corner of his eye. “You don’t seem too happy about it.”

When Killua didn’t answer, Kurapika picked up the TV remote and switched it off. “We should go outside and enjoy the weather while it lasts.”

As the two of them left the room and descended the elevator, Killua didn’t say much.

The two of them strolled around the boardwalk near their hotel, tourists and locals alike still bustling around, despite it being eight o’clock at night.

“So,” Kurapika said after a few minutes of walking, “do you want to tell me what’s bothering you, Killua?”

“Nothing’s bothering me.” Killua tried to sound as upbeat as he usually was, completely the opposite from what he currently felt. It would be unthinkable to even voice what he was feeling.

“Really.” Killua met Kurapika’s calm gaze. He sensed the kindness in his dark eyes, and Killua didn’t feel as tense as before. Kurapika may not have been as loud and exuberant as Gon or Leorio, but he still possessed a charisma that drew people to him.

Which was why Killua finally relented and conveyed to Kurapika exactly what he was feeling. “I feel like I shouldn’t feel the way I feel.” Killua looked at the sky, endless darkness filled with stars.

“About Gon?”

Caught off guard, Killua couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Yes, I’ve noticed. You stare at him a lot lately, and you didn’t say anything when he was talking about the roses -“

“That thing with the roses – it was an accident! I won something at the carnival, the lady told me to give the address of someone special in my life and wouldn’t tell me anything else, and next thing I knew, Gon was talking about a secret admirer!” Killua spoke very quickly, feeling his face heat up.

Kurapika tipped his head back and laughed, something rare these days. “But Killua, if you only thought of him as a friend, you would have laughed it off and explained yourself immediately.” He smiled sadly. “I know your family taught you to be ashamed of this, but you can’t keep denying who you really are.”

Frustration and a sense of emptiness built up in Killua, and he felt tears begin to form in his eyes. He couldn’t remember the last time he had cried, and it wasn’t about to happen now. He blinked rapidly, hoping to keep the tears at bay.

“I only like girls, Kurapika. Not…not Gon. I promise.”

Kurapika surveyed him with suspicion, but seemed to sense that he wasn’t getting anywhere with this. “If you say so.” He sighed. “But you have to at least admit that I give great advice,” he teased.

Killua rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”

Suddenly, the two found themselves standing in front of a restaurant – the same restaurant that Gon was inside of with Sierra. Killua and Kurapika exchanged glances, and Killua knew that they were thinking the same thing – that it would be interesting to see how Gon acted on a date.

“It wouldn’t hurt to…check up on him, would it?” Kurapika asked.

“Right. We could just sit somewhere where they won’t notice us.” Killua grinned.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Thankfully, the booths were high enough in the restaurant that it was impossible to see over them. This way, it was easy for Killua and Kurapika to sit right behind Gon and Sierra without being noticed.

As they listened in on the conversation, Kurapika’s eyes were fixed on the other side of the booth. A fun fact that Killua had learned a few minutes ago – Kurapika was just as nosy as every other hunter.

Killua had expected to feel immense jealousy and bitterness, but instead he was…dying with laughter.

“You look really nice,” they heard Gon saying. “You know that, right?”

“You already said that!” Sierra replied with a shy giggle.

“I know, but I should say it again so that you know I’m trying to flirt with you,” Gon said, obviously trying to sound sly.

Killua caught Kurapika’s eye, and they both covered their mouths to stifle their laughs.

“There was actually something I wanted to say,” said Sierra. “I – I didn’t mean to ask you out on this date.”

Killua’s jaw nearly dropped. He looked at Kurapika, whose eyebrow was raised.

“What do you mean, Sierra?”

“I mean, I – I was too nervous to say what I really meant back at the ice cream parlor. I didn’t mean to ask you out. I mean, not that you’re not really nice and cute and funny and stuff –“

“Sierra,” Gon said gently. “It’s alright. You can tell me.”

Sierra took a deep breath. “I wanted to ask your friend out, the one with the white hair. But I got too nervous, so I asked you instead.”

Killua dropped his fork on his plate with a loud clatter, and Kurapika nearly knocked over his glass of water.

They heard Sierra take another breath. “Would it be okay if you introduced me to him? He’s just so cute and so dreamy….”

“Cute and dreamy, huh?” Kurapika whispered, the hint of a…_smirk_ on his face?

Killua rolled his eyes. “Shut up!” he whispered.

“Sure! I could introduce you to him sometime,” they heard Gon say.

Then, Killua gestured for Kurapika to follow him outside.

Once outside, Killua said, “We should probably head back now before they notice us.”

“And you need some time to think of what to say to Sierra the next time you see her –“

Killua scowled. “You’re highly entertained by all of this, aren’t you?”

“Well, first things first,” Kurapika said as though Killua hadn’t spoken, “do you trust me?”

“Trust you?”

“To give helpful advice.”

“Like I said earlier, that would depend on the nature of the advice.”

Kurapika then told Killua the plan. “Does that sound like something you can do?”

Killua’s mind was blown. He nodded. “You’re honestly the best babysitter I’ve ever had.”


	3. Chapter 3

Honestly, for someone who wore the same outfit all the time, Kurapika sure had good taste when it came to clothes. This was the thought going through Killua’s mind as he carelessly flicked through hangers in the dressing room, trying to find something that caught his eye.

Ten minutes ago, Killua had complained profusely about how much he hated clothes shopping. In response to this, Kurapika had plucked about ten different outfits off of the hangers in the children’s section without batting an eyelash. “You did agree to the plan, after all,” Kurapika had said with a pleasant smile, shoving the ridiculous amount of hangers into the arms of a disgruntled Killua.

And now Killua stood before the dressing room mirror, wearing a light blue plaid shirt and gray jeans. It was only the second outfit he had tried on, as he’d spent most of the past ten minutes texting Gon. Evidently, the two of them couldn’t handle being separated for too long, even though it had only been half an hour since the last time they had seen each other.

Killua nervously ran a hand through his hair and adjusted his collar before snapping a photo and sending it to Gon. “What do you think of this outfit?” Killua typed.

Mere seconds later, his phone dinged. “I like that one! It matches your eyes,” read Gon’s message.

Killua’s heart began to race. He looked at himself in the mirror and fought down the smile that was beginning to tug at his lips, the smile that he shouldn’t have dared to let slip.

And so he shut away his smile. But his deep blue eyes still shone brightly and his ivory skin was still tinged a pale pink.

A knock sounded at the door. “Killua? How’s everything going?” asked Kurapika.

“I’m finished. I’ve decided which one I want.”

And Killua studied his reflection one last time, thinking that maybe he would wear blue more often from now on.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

As the two of them walked to the flower shop around the corner, Kurapika gave Killua a curious look.

Killua stuck his tongue out jokingly. “It’s rude to stare, you know.” He continued texting Gon, asking him how things were going with Zepile.

“You seem happy,” Kurapika remarked.

Killua looked up from his phone and casually placed his hands in his pockets. “Why shouldn’t I be in a good mood? I mean, you _are_ the one paying for all my expenses today.”

Kurapika nodded, opening the shop door. “That’s true.” But Killua could tell that Kurapika was still a bit suspicious.

Killua wandered around the flower shop, thinking about Kurapika’s plan. It was a reasonable one – Kurapika would help him prepare for the date, and Killua would do his best to get to know Sierra so that he could take his mind off of Gon. And it was going to work – Killua would make sure of that.

He walked into aisle after aisle, losing sight of Kurapika as he did so. He looked around at daisies, daffodils, and sunflowers, forgetting exactly why Kurapika thought it was necessary to buy flowers for a first date that wasn’t even likely to turn into anything.

Killua stopped in front of a vase of light pink roses. He examined them, placing a finger lightly on one of the stems. He had seen his fair share of roses last month, and yet somehow he hadn’t tired of looking at them. They held the sort of beauty that tried to close itself off from the world, with their prickly thorns and petals that resembled layers upon layers of walls, guarding invisible hearts.

And then, before Killua’s eyes, a petal on one of the roses began to wilt. A shiver ran up his spine, freezing him right where he stood. He didn’t need to turn around to know whose aura he was in the presence of.

Nonetheless, he took a deep breath and turned to face his brother.

Illumi, with his dead, expressionless eyes that occasionally flickered with malice or misguided concern. Illumi, who had always towered over Killua, his long black hair framing the delicate angles of his face, making him seem more like a porcelain doll than an experienced assassin.

Killua’s heartbeat thudded painfully in his chest. Every inch of him yearned to run far away, but he managed to stay right where he was out of sheer will. “What are you doing here?”

“Me? I am here for a job,” Illumi said in his usual lifeless tone, his eyes piercing into Killua’s own. “Do not sound so accusing, Kil. I would never go against Father’s will and force you to come home, if that is what you were worried about. In any case, may I ask why you are shopping for flowers?”

Killua shrugged, breaking eye contact. “It’s none of your business. Now, can you go or something –“

“Are they for a girl?”

Something about Illumi’s tone made Killua look up. “They are, as a matter of fact. Why do you care?”

Illumi’s eyes roamed over Killua’s face carefully. “I’ve been worried about you for a while, Kil.” Illumi then turned to examine a bouquet of purple orchids on the shelf next to him, picking it up and setting it down absentmindedly over and over again. “A future heir of the Zoldyck family must set his sights on marrying a fine young woman. But you? You seem a little too preoccupied with that boy, Gon, to be thinking about any of that.”

_Run_, Killua thought. _Run_. But he couldn’t run. He couldn’t even breathe. All he could do was listen as Illumi’s voice grew quieter, and yet more dangerous. “I am sure that Mother and Father also have their suspicions. After all, a normal boy doesn’t simply forget his family in order to run away with another boy.”

“You’re out of your mind,” Killua choked out. “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

And all Killua knew was that the world was spinning, and that the only things he could focus on were the orchids next to Illumi, which were wilting rapidly and being drained of their color, turning a dull and sickly gray.

He was brought back to reality only when he heard Kurapika’s voice.

“What’s going on here?” Air came rushing back to Killua’s lungs when he felt Kurapika’s protective hand on his shoulder.

“There is nothing to worry about. I was just saying hi to my brother, is all.” Illumi attempted to make eye contact, and Killua focused his attention on the cracked floor, immense shame welling up inside of him. “But I’m afraid it is time for me to leave, as I am very busy. Hopefully, you’ll keep in touch, Killua. Mother misses you.”

With that, Illumi left the aisle, and they heard the bell on the shop door ring, signaling his exit.

Kurapika’s face was flooded with concern. “I heard everything. Are you okay?”

Killua nodded, knowing that Kurapika didn’t believe him for one second. “I think I want to get Sierra roses.”

Kurapika blinked surprisedly at the abrupt change in conversation.

And Killua set off down the aisle, in search of roses that had not withered away from Illumi’s aura, telling himself the lie that roses didn’t remind him of Gon.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

During the entire walk back to the hotel, Killua could sense the tension between him and Kurapika. Killua did his best to sound carefree and happy, knowing all the while that Kurapika could see right through his act.

The minute they stepped into the living room of their hotel suite, they were both engulfed in a massive hug that crushed Killua’s lungs and disheveled Kurapika’s hair.

“There you two are!” Leorio stepped back, and Killua took the opportunity to breathe again. Leorio looked the same as ever, with his dark suit and short black hair, his green eyes blazing with excitement.

“How was your trip home, Leorio?” Kurapika asked. “Is your family doing well?”

“They’re doing great, but I think I’m the one who should be asking the questions here.” Leorio pushed his glasses up on his nose and peered closely at the shopping bags in Kurapika’s arms. “Looks like a lot has happened since I went away. First things first, what is this Gon has been texting me about a date? You know, I happen to be very knowledgeable about these things and could offer you some advice if you’d like, Killua.” Leorio’s eyes then lit up as though he were recalling some very fond memories from his past.

Killua groaned. Great. This was just what he needed. “Thanks for the offer and all, but I don’t really think that’ll be necessary –“

“That would actually be very helpful, Leorio,” said Kurapika, handing Killua the shopping bags. “I need to leave for work now, but I’ll be back later tonight. You can tell me all about your date then, Killua.”

“Fine,” Killua grumbled.

“Just be yourself around Sierra, and everything will be fine. Okay?” Kurapika’s smile was kind, but worried, as he opened the front door.

“Okay.” Despite the earlier tension between him and Kurapika, he hated to see Kurapika so concerned over him. Not that Killua would ever actually admit that out loud or anything.

The minute that Kurapika exited the room, Leorio began to interrogate Killua.

“So, who exactly is this girl? Who asked who out? And –“

“Leorio, calm down! Sheesh.” Killua tossed the bags onto the couch, where he flopped down, crossing his elbows behind his head, one leg hanging off of the armrest. “I’ll only explain everything once, so listen closely.”

Killua recounted all the relevant information, feeling somewhat amused as Leorio hung onto his every word. Seriously, Leorio could be just as nosy as Kurapika at times.

“So, what’s this advice you wanted to give me?” Killua tried not to sound too eager, even though he was dying to know.

“Well, do what Kurapika said. Be yourself. And, other than that, I only have one other piece of advice.”

Killua raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? And what would that be?”

“Compliment her appearance. That always works.” Leorio said contentedly as he leaned back in his wooden chair, his arms crossed loosely and a self-satisfied expression upon his face.

“Hmm, alright. Sounds simple enough.” Killua thought about Gon’s text from earlier that day. Maybe Leorio was on to something. “But that’s really all the advice you have? I thought you said you were an expert on this stuff.”

Leorio smirked. “Giving you too much information will only overwhelm a beginner like you.”

Killua matched Leorio’s smirk as he looked up at the ceiling. “Yeah….Either that or you don’t actually know as much about romance as you claim to.”

Laughing, Killua dodged the pillow that Leorio threw at him.

At that precise moment, the front door opened. Gon entered, bright-eyed as usual, his head tilted to the side as he surveyed the scene before him with interest.

Killua immediately sat upright and combed his fingers through his hair. “Hey, Gon.” He ignored the pleasant jolt in his stomach, almost feeling sickened by it.

Killua sensed Leorio’s suspicious gaze, but quickly shrugged it off once Gon started up a lively conversation about Leorio’s trip. Killua talked and laughed more than he had in a few days, feeling elated at being in the presence of his two upbeat friends.

Friends….Gon was his friend, and nothing more. That was what Killua told himself the entire hour that he was with Gon and Leorio, before finally heading upstairs in order to get ready for his date.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

For the umpteenth time that day, Killua looked himself over in the mirror. Maybe he was getting vain or something. He nervously tugged at the cuffs of his shirt and blew his bangs out of his face, wondering if he should have gone to get a haircut earlier. Ugh, he was starting to act like Milluki did whenever someone told him Amane would be coming inside to sweep up the living room.

Then, Killua heard the soft patter of footsteps just before his door opened.

“Are you ready, Killua? Leorio says you should leave in a few minutes if you want to be on time,” Gon said cheerily.

“Right.” Killua looked at Gon for a moment. “How do you feel about all of this?”

“What? About you going out with Sierra? Silly, I already told you that I don’t care. My feelings aren’t hurt at all, I promise.” Gon walked over to Killua’s bed and plopped down, resting his elbows behind his head in the same way that Killua had done earlier.

Killua carefully laid down on his back next to Gon, turning his head slightly toward him as he spoke. “No, that isn’t what I mean. What I mean is – Do you think she’ll like me?” Killua knew that what he was doing was wrong. But he couldn’t stop himself from asking the question, from hoping to hear Gon compliment him out loud.

A hot summer breeze drifted in through the open windows, rustling Gon’s dark hair as he turned his face toward Killua’s. “Why wouldn’t she like you, Killua?” Gon asked, saying Killua’s name in that melodic way of his, the syllables drifting up, then down, and then up again.

“Maybe she won’t like my personality. My sense of humor. Or my looks.” Killua spoke the last three words quietly, his body tensing with anticipation.

Gon sighed, shaking his head. “You don’t need to worry about any of that, Killua. I’m sure she’ll like you just the way you are.”

Killua bit his lip in an effort to stop himself from continuing to fish for compliments. “Thanks, Gon. I hope she does.” Killua had spoken a lie, he knew.

For Sierra was the last thing on his mind right now. Why think about her when Gon was so close that the ends of his hair tickled Killua’s shoulder, when the air was filled with nothing but the scent of roses and summer and citrus?

Suddenly, Killua heard the sound of someone clearing his throat at the door.

Killua practically jumped off of the bed. Gon, on the other hand, stayed right where he was, not seeming bothered at all by Leorio’s presence.

Leorio focused his gaze on Killua, his eyes narrowed slightly. “You’re running late, Killua. Didn’t you say that you would be there ten minutes from now?”

Killua glanced at his watch and frowned. “Ah, that’s right. Well, I’ll see you guys later, then.”

“Good luck, Killua,” Gon said, the sweet lilt of his words bringing a faint smile to Killua’s lips.

As Killua left his room and made his way downstairs, he did his best to stop wishing that he were still right beside Gon, basking in his lighthearted presence.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Killua felt uncomfortable, to say the least. After all, the only thing Sierra had said so far had been “Hello,” and she had said it shyly, at that. She hadn’t even been able to muster up the courage to say thank you to him after he’d given her her bouquet of sunny yellow roses.

They had visited the dolphins first, where Killua had asked her if she went to the aquarium often. She had bitten her lip, looking away while shaking her head no.

Then, they had walked over to the next tank in the aquarium, where Killua had pointed out a baby turtle that had suddenly swum into view. She had simply nodded, refusing to meet Killua’s eyes.

And now they were in front of the penguins, watching them waddle around, their black and white fur looking particularly fluffy at the moment.

“I think these penguins are my favorite animal here,” Killua said.

Just as he’d expected, she gave another stiff nod and remained silent, her face beginning to turn as red as her hair.

Killua nearly sighed. Come on, he was Killua Zoldyck, _the_ Killua Zoldyck. He could withstand electrical shocks and beat up three grown men in less than five minutes. Surely he could get a shy girl to open up to him before the night was over?

His eyes lingered on her face for a moment, her blush only darkening as he did so. “You know,” he said, “you’re honestly the prettiest girl that I’ve ever seen.” He stepped closer to her, so close that he could smell her strawberry perfume.

Her head immediately turned towards him, her eyes wide with an innocent sort of wonder that almost reminded him of Gon. “Really?” she said.

Yes! Leorio’s advice had worked. Killua made a mental note to thank him later.

“Of course.” It was true. Killua didn’t mind fibbing every now and then, but he would never lie about something like this.

She giggled, her laugh making her sapphire eyes sparkle in the dim light. “You’ve stared at me long enough, Killua. Maybe we should be paying some more attention to these penguins!”

Killua laughed too, turning his attention to the baby penguin that was currently looking at him and Sierra. It put its tiny fin up against the glass, as though reaching out for them.

“Aw! This is so cute,” Sierra said, pressing her small hand up against the glass, too.

And Killua made his next decision in a split second. He walked up to Sierra and gently placed his hand over hers. Her shoulders tensed up before relaxing again, and she met his eyes with her own.

He expected her to let go. But she continued to hold his hand for the next half hour as they strolled through the rest of the aquarium, joking around and sharing fun stories.

She reminded Killua of himself whenever he was around Gon. The way that she blushed profusely, the way that she couldn’t stop laughing in his presence, the way that she sometimes got lost in his eyes without meaning to.

But why didn’t Killua feel the same way? She was beautiful, and she was funny. But he didn’t feel any butterflies like he did whenever he was around Gon.

_“A normal boy doesn’t simply forget his family in order to run away with another boy_,” his brother had said. His stomach squirmed uncomfortably as he remembered the words.

Illumi was wrong. Killua was a normal boy. And he would prove it.

Killua looked around. They were alone in this part of the aquarium, surrounded by what seemed like millions upon millions of fish in every color – gold and scarlet and emerald and magenta. In the darkness, Killua gently pried his hand away from Sierra’s and instead reached up to tuck a strand of her deep red hair behind her ear.

“Is it okay if….” Killua began. He took a deep breath and started over. “Is it okay if I kiss you?”

She blinked in surprise and nodded, looking at him expectantly.

He lightly traced his finger down her cheekbone and along her jawline. As though responding to his touch, her eyelids fluttered shut.

He inched closer and closer, delicately resting his hands on either side of her face before finally closing his eyes.

Killua’s lips brushed against hers. He reveled in the softness of her mouth and the rich flavor of cherries, her panting breaths mingling with his slower, calmer ones.

And then Killua pulled away smoothly, meeting her eyes.

Her skin was flushed a deep pink, her lips still parted slightly, as though she wished that the kiss had been longer than a mere few seconds.

But Killua couldn’t bear to look at her anymore. “I’m sorry, Sierra, but I – I have to go home now.”

He quickly thanked her for the nice time and left the aquarium, keeping his head down in deep thought as he rushed back to the hotel.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

He went straight to bed, only giving vague answers to the questions that Gon and Leorio threw at him.

Killua curled up on his side, burying his face in the covers, struggling not to cry. But a few tears still managed to slip down his face.

He didn’t know how much time passed before he heard his door creak open. “Killua?” It was Kurapika. “Are you awake?”

Killua didn’t answer. He squeezed his eyes shut, his shoulders trembling as more tears fell.

He listened to Kurapika’s footsteps come closer. Before he knew it, Kurapika’s hand was on his shoulder, trying to comfort him. “What’s wrong, Killua?” His words were soft, nurturing, understanding. The kind of tone that people rarely ever spoke to him in.

Killua sat up, a hand covering his damp eyes. “I kissed her.”

There was a slight pause. “Okay,” Kurapika said curiously. “And then what happened?”

Killua managed to pull his hands away from his face to meet Kurapika’s dark gray eyes. “I liked the kiss. But I didn’t feel….”

Kurapika waited patiently, not saying a word.

“I didn’t feel the way that I feel when I usually like someone. It was like just kissing a friend.”

“Okay,” Kurapika said thoughtfully, quietly. “And how do you usually feel when you like someone?”

The words came readily to his lips. “Like I’m dreaming all the time.”

“Like you’re dreaming all the time,” Kurapika repeated curiously.

Killua elaborated. “No matter what I do, I can’t stop thinking about them. And when I’m with them, I’m so happy that it feels like it isn’t real – like it’s a dream.”

Kurapika nodded slowly. “Is that it?”

Killua thought some more, studying the gold stitches in his midnight blue covers. “I would do anything for them, if it meant that they would be happy.”

There was a very long silence before Kurapika finally responded. “Killua. You’re in love with him.”

Killua’s ears were flooded with Illumi’s sinister words again. _“A normal boy doesn’t…run away with another boy….”_

Killua brought his knees up to his chest and began to sob into his arms. “I,” he coughed, “can’t be. I shouldn’t be.”

Kurapika rubbed his back gently, moving his hand in smooth circles the way that his butlers used to do when he was a small child. “It’s alright, Killua. I’m right here.”

Killua wasn’t sure how much time passed as he sat there with his head buried in his arms. But when the worst of it passed, he looked up at Kurapika, his shame overtaking his embarrassment.

“Illumi is wrong,” Kurapika said immediately, as though he could read Killua’s mind. “You don’t need to feel like this –“

“Something’s wrong with me.”

“Listen to me.” Killua was shocked into silence by the fierce look in Kurapika’s eyes. “There is nothing wrong with you, and I’m going to make you understand that.”

Despite himself, Killua chuckled. “You’ll _make_ me understand? How will you do that, exactly?”

The moonlight filtering in through the curtains reflected off of Kurapika’s beige skin as the corners of his lips turned up ever so slightly. “Let’s just say that I have another plan up my sleeve.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are you guys liking the friendship between Killua and Kurapika? And let me know how you're liking the story in the reviews :)


	4. Chapter 4

When Killua opened his eyes the next morning, he could still remember his dream. He was unaware of the sunlight currently filtering in through his curtains, the soft covers that encapsulated him, and the tranquil silence that danced through the room. Instead, all that existed were Gon’s golden eyes, the sensation of his soft lips barely meeting Killua’s, and Killua’s quiet gasp as he had realized that what he had wanted for so long had been finally about to happen.

But none of it had been real. And Killua knew that it would do him some good to remember that.

By the time Killua had gotten ready for the day and entered the kitchen, he had realized something: it was still eight in the morning.

Of course. He had gone to bed early, instead of spending time with Gon until late at night like he usually did.

Brushing this thought aside, Killua spotted a note on the kitchen table. He picked it up, recognizing Kurapika’s neat handwriting.

_Killua –_

_ I had to leave early for work, but I’ll be back by the afternoon. _

_ Below, I’ve left some instructions that have to do with what we discussed last night._

Once Killua finished reading, he had a pretty good idea of what Kurapika was trying to do.

He hadn’t exactly agreed to Kurapika’s plan the previous night. He had only said maybe. Killua squirmed uncomfortably as he thought about what it would mean to agree to Kurapika’s offer. He could simply throw this note away and continue to struggle on his own with his disgraceful feelings.

But that would mean ignoring Kurapika’s attempt at trying to take away at least some of the anguish that Killua felt. It would mean looking his friend in the eye once he returned later that day, and saying that he didn’t want any of his compassion.

He would go along with the plan for now, just to please Kurapika. That was what Killua told himself as he pulled ingredients out of the cupboards and placed a pan on the stove.

To be honest, the only time in his life that Killua had touched a stove before now had been when he and Gon had first rented the suite in this hotel room and failed miraculously at making chicken noodle soup. A smile caressed Killua’s lips at the memory. They sure could have used Kurapika’s help back then.

Minutes later, he saw the door open out of the corner of his eye.

“Good morning, Killua!” Gon’s voice shook the peaceful quiet, transforming it into something that sparkled with life and created a rush of color.

For a moment, all Killua could do was stare as his heart filled with sunlight and warmth. “Hey, Gon,” he said, a beat too late. Then, he remembered the dream and focused his gaze on the sizzling pan before him so that Gon wouldn’t notice his blush.

“You’re making pancakes? I didn’t know you could cook!” Gon teased. Killua felt him looking over his shoulder as the sweet aroma wafted up from the pan.

“Well, now you know.” For some reason, he felt his blush grow more intense. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Gon had taken a few steps closer to him.

Gon sighed, and Killua felt the ends of his hair stir in response. “I couldn’t sleep at all. I was worried about you, but Kurapika said that you were sleeping and that I shouldn’t wake you up.”

“There’s nothing to be worried about. The date was fine.” Killua flipped over the last pancake and tossed it onto a plate.

Then, Gon rested his hand on Killua’s shoulder. Killua turned to face him. They were standing so close to each other, close enough that he could feel Gon’s body heat rushing through him, so close that he could count each strand of the tousled hair falling into Gon’s eyes.

“You keep saying you’re okay, but I can tell you’re not. If something happened, you can tell me.” Gon’s eyes shone with such determined loyalty that Killua felt guilty about lying to him.

“I just....It’s not a big deal, but I guess I was disappointed that things didn’t work out.” Killua shrugged, unable to meet Gon’s eyes. He focused his gaze on the deep red floor tiles instead.

But when he didn’t hear Gon say anything else, he couldn’t help but look up. After all, silences were rare whenever Gon was around to fill them.

What Killua found was Gon beholding him with a curious frown that soon loosened into a sympathetic smile. “It’s okay, Killua,” Gon reassured him, his normally energetic voice sounding gentler than usual. ”Leorio says we’re both too young for dating anyway.”

Now it was Killua’s turn for silence. He blinked. “Are you serious? He really said that?”

“Yeah, I can’t believe it either.”

They both began laughing at the same time, and for a moment, just a moment, Killua forgot about last night’s tears and indirect confession of repressed love. All that Killua could perceive right now was their subsiding laughter and how close Gon was still standing to him. Why hadn’t he moved away yet? Didn’t he know that this was how close he usually was in Killua’s dreams?

Killua was the first one to move away, and Gon was the first one to try the pancakes once they had both seated themselves at the table.

Gon’s eyes widened in childlike wonder at the first bite. “This is so good! You should do all the cooking from now on!”

Puzzled, Killua broke off a piece of the pancake and plopped it into his mouth. He bit into the soft top layer, the rich Nutella at the center melting into his taste buds.

Killua had been skeptical at first, but there was no denying it now – Kurapika was definitely a skilled chef who could put the local restaurants to shame. And if Killua had anything to say about it, Kurapika would be sharing more of his recipes with him from now on.

“Thanks. I actually got up early so that I could make this for you.” It was another lie, albeit one he was sure Kurapika would have wanted him to make. “I mean, I know you love Nutella.”

Killua studied Gon’s reaction carefully. “Really?” A soft smile spread over Gon’s lips. “That’s really nice of you.”

Encouraged by this, Killua took another risk. “I just remembered! I forgot to tell you something.”

“What is it?” Gon asked, still smiling, spearing his fork with another piece of his pancake.

“I had my first kiss yesterday.”

This time, Killua studied Gon’s expression even more thoroughly. “Oh.” Gon stared into space, looking thoughtful. “It’s weird; I’ve never really thought about doing stuff like that. I always thought it would happen when I was older. What was it like?”

“It was still good, even though things didn’t work out in the end.” Killua felt like a weight had dropped inside him. What had he been expecting? Of course Gon wouldn’t be jealous. Gon wasn’t like Killua. He was the way that boys were supposed to be.

But how could he know that for sure? How was he to interpret the lingering smiles, the looks of concern, the closeness, the loyalty, but also the indifference towards Killua’s romantic endeavors? Did it all add up to mean anything significant?

With this tangled vine of thoughts in his mind that he couldn’t hope to banish, Killua was torn between wanting to uncover Gon’s true feelings for him, if there were any to uncover at all, and desiring to quell the feverish fog of passion that rose up within him whenever he so much as thought about his best friend.

“Killua?”

Killua was jolted out of his ruminations by Gon’s hand waving in front of his face. “Hmm?”

“You were doing that thing again where you randomly get lost in space,” Gon said with an innocent giggle, a bit of Nutella smeared on his left cheek.

“Oh yeah?” Killua said, trying to sound cool. “Well, _you’re_ doing that thing again where you get food all over yourself. Here, let me get that.”

He grabbed a napkin, ready to take on Kurapika’s role as the parent of the group. But it wasn’t until he finished dabbing away at the spot on Gon’s face that he realized just how intimate this gesture was. He immediately pulled away, as though he’d been zapped by lightning.

Killua sat there, frozen, feeling as though each second that passed by were static with electricity. He ached to allow his hand to linger on Gon’s smooth, tanned face, longed to brush his fingers through Gon’s dark locks that had yet to be styled today. Did it mean something that Gon met Killua’s stare with his own, gold clashing with sapphire? Or was he only staring because Killua was? Was Killua staring too much?

The second that the door creaked open, Killua jumped back in his chair, causing a loud thump to sound throughout the small kitchen.

“Ah, good! Both of you are up!” Leorio was already dressed in his usual business suit and tie, his black hair perfectly combed.

Reality came crashing back to Killua, and he felt even more frozen than before.

Leorio looked over at Killua. “Killua! I’ve been meaning to ask you something. Come.”

Killua got up, his legs feeling like lead. The room vanished, and he was transported back to the courtyard in the Zoldyck manor.

He could hear the water splashing down as it arced over the fountain, cherry blossom petals raining down around him in response to the wind’s touch. Killua had been eight years old at the time, perched on the edge of the fountain, admiring the young, handsome butler as he had swept up the petals on the other side of the yard.

Julian had been Killua’s first crush. Of course, being that Julian had been nineteen at the time, there had been no hope of him looking in Killua’s direction. All the same, it had not stopped Killua from noticing the silky dark hair that tumbled across his forehead, the dark eyes that sparkled with life, nor the way that he always gave Killua and his siblings a kind smile whenever they gave him orders.

Killua had fallen into a daze, stealing glances from across the courtyard, unaware that Illumi had taken a seat beside him until he had spoken his name.

Killua had jumped, tilting his head up to meet his brother’s dead stare, and he had frozen into place like a pond in a blizzard.

“This is the third time I’ve caught you looking at him like that. Do you not remember what happened last time when I told Father about it?”

There had been no way for Killua to forget the electrical shocks he had endured mere months ago. Worst of all had been his father’s reaction. His father had been so distressed that he had not even told Killua’s mother or grandfather about what Killua had done.

Killua had not been able to muster the courage to respond to Illumi. He had only been able to listen as he had continued speaking in a low monotone. “Promise me that, whenever you think about him from now on, you’ll forget whatever it is you feel.”

Forget his feelings? Would that be possible?

“Push the feelings away before they strengthen and become something worse.” Those words had rung in Killua’s head ever since.

Now, years later, this memory was still difficult for Killua to forget as he and Leorio stepped outside of the kitchen together.

“Killua?” Leorio asked, his eyes widening in concern. “You don’t look okay.”

“I’m fine.” But he wasn’t fine. The muscles in his face felt tense, and his voice shook. “What did you want to talk about?”

Killua’s mind raced as he waited for Leorio to speak. He knew that Leorio must have seen how strangely he had been staring at Gon. Each beat of his heart was deafening and restricted his breathing.

“I overheard your conversation with Kurapika last night.” Leorio ended his sentence on an uncertain note.

“What do you mean?” Killua said breathlessly, unable to control the way he’d begun to shudder, so subtly that Leorio probably didn’t even notice.

“I know that you care about Gon as more than a friend. Anyone can tell by just seeing the way you are around him,” he said carefully, kindness laced through every word. “And I’d like to help.”

When Killua didn’t answer, Leorio suddenly said, “Are you sure everything is okay –“

“I’m fine! I don’t – I’m sorry, but I don’t know what…what you’re talking about…” Killua put a hand to his head, the room beginning to swim before him.

Leorio’s usually carefree face was now more serious than Killua had ever seen it. “You’re my friend, and I don’t want you to be in denial over this. I want you to accept yourself and be happy.”

Killua listened to Leorio’s steady voice, the only thing anchoring him and preventing him from becoming caught up in a panic attack.

“You weren’t supposed to know.” Killua’s voice broke, but he felt some of the air rushing back into his lungs. “I didn’t want anyone else to find out.”

“It’s okay, Killua. What can I do to help you?” The fierce determination in his eyes reminded him of both Gon and Kurapika. His heart rate slowed. He had…such good friends.

But it wasn’t enough. His friends couldn’t do anything that would ever convince him to be okay with who he was, who he would always be.

And so, with sorrow flooding his heart, he shook his head. “I don’t want anyone to help me anymore. You and Kurapika – you’re both just making it worse.”

Leorio looked as though he had been slapped across the face.

Killua turned his back on his friend, overcome with emotions he didn’t completely understand, and ran upstairs to his room.

He shut the door, locking himself away from Gon, from Leorio, and from whatever obstacles that might push him to face his humiliation.


	5. Chapter 5

Four hours later, a knock sounded at his door.

“Killua?”

Killua stayed right where he was, his arms folded across his chest as he perched on the edge of the windowsill, his head tilted toward the sun that was slowly being hidden away by the rumbling gray clouds.

_Click_. He didn’t look up when the light footsteps paused before him, nor when Kurapika leaned against the wall next to him.

“I’m guessing things went well this morning. That must be why you’re so angry.”

Wait a minute… “Huh?” Killua glanced up at Kurapika, quirking an eyebrow in confusion.

Kurapika’s lips quivered slightly, as though he were trying to keep himself from smiling. “I’m guessing that your romantic gesture – making breakfast for Gon – resulted in you getting a step closer to admitting your true feelings to him. And you’re upset because of it.”

Killua stared. Despite his face seeming calm and composed, Kurapika’s eyes glimmered with the sort of mischief that Killua normally associated with someone like Leorio.

Then, Kurapika sighed. “Killua,” he said, his soothing voice complementing the soft patter of raindrops landing on the window. “What would you think if Gon told you that he had feelings for you?”

A streak of yellow cut through the once cerulean sky, now tainted with much darker hues. “You know what I would think.”

“Do I?” Kurapika said softly, his eyes downcast. “Or would you think that something were wrong with him for liking you?”

“No!” Killua said immediately, jumping up and turning to face Kurapika. “Of course not! I’d be…really happy.” A blush crept up his neck as he contemplated the possibility.

“Then why do you find yourself so repulsive for being in love with him, Killua? Please, just tell me why.”

At Kurapika’s words, Killua began to tug at a lock of his hair nervously. “I don’t think it’s wrong,” he said in near whispers, his head tilted down, studying the white carpet. “If you or Gon were gay, I wouldn’t think badly of you or anything. It’s just – when it comes to me – my family –“

Kurapika gently tugged Killua’s hand away from his hair, making him cease his nervous motions. “It might take years to get over what your family’s done to you, but you need to start somewhere. How about this? Find a way to tell Gon how you feel, no matter how wrong it seems. Let’s start with that.”

Killua bit down on his lip, considering Kurapika’s words. Panic squeezed his throat at the thought of doing what he suggested. “But then, what do I do if he doesn’t like me back?”

“Is that a reason not to try? If he says no, I know you’re strong enough to get over the heartbreak and remain friends.”

Killua chuckled under his breath. “Geez, Kurapika, how do you make everything sound so simple? And,” he said, peering at him through his white bangs, “how do you seem to know so much about romance and love and whatever? Do you have some vibrant love life I should know about?”

“If that were the case, it wouldn’t be something suitable to discuss with a thirteen-year-old.” Killua’s smirk only increased in size as Kurapika’s cheekbones became tinted with a faint blush.

Then, Killua heard small footsteps eagerly dashing up the stairs. His door opened, and there Gon stood, panting heavily.

Gon’s words came out in a jumbled string of excitement. “Leorio said not to bother you a few hours ago because you were feeling sick, but he just told me that you’re probably feeling better now, and so he said I should ask you if you want to play truth or dare. You should play with us too, Kurapika!” His golden aura radiated like the sun itself, bringing light to the gloomy day. Even so, guilt squirmed in Killua’s stomach at the thought of how he’d hurt Leorio’s feelings earlier. He seriously needed to apologize later.

“We’d love to, Gon,” Kurapika replied, sending a look Killua’s way that clearly read _This is your chance_.

Hmm, interesting. Could this be another one of Kurapika’s schemes to get him and Gon together? Killua ruminated over this as the three of them made themselves comfortable on the floor, sitting around in a circle.

“I’ll start!” Gon turned his attention to Killua, who sat to his right. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.” He shrugged, placing his hands in his pockets and doing his best not to get lost in Gon’s eyes. It was pretty hard not to when he was sitting so close to him that Killua could see each golden fleck in those eyes of his and smell the tangy citrus scent of Gon’s shampoo.

“Have you ever been in love?”

Killua locked eyes with Gon. Sure, this was truth or dare, but what a strange question to ask. Was there a reason for it, Killua dared to wonder. He glanced over at Kurapika, who was looking at him expectantly. Words played like feathers at the tip of his tongue before he settled on an answer.

“Yes.” The word almost seemed to reverberate around the room. His heartbeat accelerated to the moon. His pale fingers dug into the carpet. His jittery aura enveloped him like a dance of electricity.

A tanned hand reached out to brush the tips of his fingers, the touch fleeting but enough to make Killua meet Gon’s thoughtful eyes, eyes that roamed over Killua’s face as though memorizing every inch of it.

Killua’s heartbeat knew that Gon, cheerful and talkative Gon, was never usually this quiet without a reason. Each thump of his heart brought him closer to asking the inevitable question. “Why do you ask? Are you in love, too?”

Gon’s aura flared like sun rays. He nodded slowly, forming the sweetest, most innocent smile Killua had ever seen.

Killua forgot about Illumi; he forgot that Kurapika was there in the room with them; he even forgot that a fierce storm brewed outside. All he knew was that there was only one person Gon could have ever been around long enough to develop strong feelings for – even a fool could figure that out.

Gon’s eyes widened slightly as Killua drew closer to him, close enough that his forehead brushed against Gon’s.

Before their lips could meet, Gon pushed against Killua’s shoulder softly, breaking the spell of the moment. It was then that he realized how troubled Gon looked. He bit his lip, twisting his hands as he spoke. “I’m sorry, Killua. I didn’t mean….”

The Earth dropped out from beneath Killua. His face heated up, casting a shadow of embarrassment over him. His throat closed up, threatening to suffocate him.

“I do love you. _A lot_. But as a friend. I heard you talking to Kurapika last night, and I couldn’t believe it. I thought I must have been a bad friend for not noticing it. I really wanted to ask you about it, but I didn’t know how to without making you feel nervous.”

Tears welled up in Gon’s eyes, eyes that were as brilliant as the sun. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Killua. I’m sorry that I can’t love you the same way that you love me.” A single tear spilled onto his cheek. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice cracking.

And, in that moment, Killua could imagine thousands of roses shredding away from their stems until no signs were left that they had ever existed.

In that moment, Killua’s heart did just that.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Kurapika had ushered a reluctant Gon out of the room. He had spoken Killua’s name like it were a question, grasping his arm and pulling him up off the floor.

Even through the haze of numbness, Killua could tell that he was now lying down on his bed. Even though it was the afternoon, he instinctively drew his covers up around himself, as though to drown out the rest of the world.

“Killua? Say something. Please.” Kurapika’s words were like echoes from a mountain far, far away. “Gon will always be your best friend. He’ll never hold this against you.”

Kurapika went silent for several moments, perhaps sensing that this was what Killua needed right now in order to process his emotions.

He didn’t know how long he remained there, buried under his covers, waiting for the shock of a broken heart to fade enough for him to be able to speak again. But eventually, he managed to sit up, letting the blankets slide down his face.

And Kurapika was still there. He stood next to the bed, tension in his slender shoulders, bags under his eyes from nights spent without sleep, plotting ways to avenge his people.

“How do you always have time to help me? You have your own problems to worry about.” Kurapika’s face relaxed a bit once Killua finally managed to utter words, even if they were spoken with a weak rasp.

“It’s what friends do.” Kurapika said it so simply, not even seeming to think for a second before the words left his mouth.

And in that moment, even though his heart was still twisted shut, even though his mind was swarmed with guilt over what he’d done, an overwhelming gratitude flooded him. How Killua dearly wished that the heavens could have given him Kurapika as an older brother instead of Illumi.

But of course, he would never actually say that out loud or anything….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Killua :(  
What did you guys think of the chapter? Were you expecting that to happen?  
As always, I really appreciate the kudos and reviews!  
Be prepared for some unexpected developments in the next chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

_Five years later_

  
Maybe if he closed his eyes and opened them up again, he would find out that it had all been nothing more than a nightmare, pretend images flickering through his mind that could never do either of them any harm.

  
He couldn’t see the Zoldyck estate from the forest, fog and low-hanging branches obscuring his vision. But he knew that one day, one day very soon, he would need to face it again.

  
A piercing wind hit him, but he felt nothing. The warm presence that had been by his side for so long had been snatched from him and held captive.

  
With that thought numbing his mind, he took out his cell phone. He knew which name he would have dialed without question when he was younger – but he was better at making decisions now.

* * *

  
Kurapika’s phone vibrated in his pocket just after he buckled his seatbelt, prepared to drive back to the palace. Caught up in his brooding once again, he had half a mind to ignore it. But, he reasoned with himself, it was possible that the queen had something important to tell him.

  
When he pulled out his phone, he paused in shock at the name flashing across his screen - Killua Zoldyck. When had been the last time they’d actually spoken? Four years ago?

  
Returning to his senses, he immediately picked up. “Killua? It’s been a while. How’s everything going?” 

  
Before Kurapika had even finished his last breath, Killua had already begun speaking. “I’m coming to Kakin in a few days. Is it okay if I stay at your place? It’s really important.”

  
Kurapika stilled. Killua sounded so…different. It wasn’t just that his voice had gotten a bit deeper over the years. No. It was the fact that he sounded like a lifeless corpse barely clinging to life. His words were slow and hollow, and Kurapika imagined blank blue eyes staring into an abyss. “Of course you can. But what’s going on? Are you and Alluka okay – ?“

  
“I’ll explain everything when I see you.” Killua abruptly disconnected the call, leaving Kurapika stunned.

  
And now, he had no choice but to wait for Killua’s arrival.

* * *  
  
The ring of the doorbell sounded throughout Kurapika’s apartment. Kurapika, who had been waiting beside the door, opened it without any hesitation.

  
The afternoon sunlight washed over Killua, highlighting his features. His sapphire eyes glowed with a forced calm, reminding Kurapika of himself. The angles of his cheekbones were sharper than when he had been a child, and his form was taller and leaner now. 

  
But some things never seemed to change, and Killua’s sense of style was definitely one of them. Kurapika let slip a rare smile as he took in Killua’s ever voluminous hair and the deep gray button-down that had been paired with crimson jeans.

  
But then he realized what was missing. “You didn’t bring Alluka with you.”

  
Killua placed his hands in his pockets, grimacing at the doorstep. “I have a lot to tell you.”

* * *

  
Killua propped his elbow on the arm of Kurapika’s black leather sofa, his fingers curving against his temple. Kurapika placed a steaming cup of tea on the small glass table before Killua, the scent of honey permeating the air. Killua watched as Kurapika took a seat next to him, a million questions written all over his face.

  
“You haven’t changed much, even though you’re an old man now,” Killua said, looking Kurapika up and down. He still had the sort of elegant appearance that Killua would never be able to pull off even if he tried. His pointed chin and nose were balanced out by the blond locks that fell just above his shoulders, and his black suit and tie were crisp and perfectly tailored. 

  
Kurapika’s smoky gray eyes observed Killua with some amusement. “Twenty-three isn’t that old. But eighteen certainly is when you compare it to thirteen.”

  
Killua smiled for the first time in days. “If that was an attempt at a joke, it failed miserably.”

  
Whispers of a tender smile played at the edges of Kurapika’s lips. “So it seems.” His smile loosened into a slight frown. “So. What’s been going on, Killua?”

  
Killua reveled in how normal it felt to be by Kurapika’s side again. There were no awkward silences, no hard feelings or moments of tension. 

  
He had last seen Kurapika in person in Yorknew City five years ago. The last time he had spoken to him over the phone, Killua had been fourteen and Kurapika had been nineteen. Kurapika had called to ask if Killua knew anyone who would be interested in helping him with his mission on the voyage to the Dark Continent. He hadn’t had time to discuss much else with Killua, but he had definitely seemed happy to hear from him during their short conversation.

  
After trying to call Kurapika a few times after that to no avail, he had given up on trying to contact him in that way. Instead, he had sent Kurapika an email shortly after their phone call, describing his adventures with Alluka and asking how the journey to the Dark Continent was going. He honestly hadn’t expected to get a reply back.

  
But, six months later, Kurapika had replied. Killua had opened the message to find several long paragraphs addressing everything that Killua had mentioned in his email. And so Killua had sent another email, and Kurapika had sent another one back a year later. This had occurred twice more, with Kurapika sending emails on both Killua’s seventeenth and eighteenth birthdays. He knew he was lucky to have gotten four messages out of Kurapika in four years, seeing as he certainly wasn’t one to prioritize keeping in touch with his friends.

  
But Killua couldn’t hold it against him like Leorio did. He understood that Kurapika had his fair share of burdens and needed more time to deal with them than the world could offer him.

  
And so, with no grudges interfering with his friendship, he explained why he was here.

* * *  
  
“They took Alluka.” Kurapika didn’t need to ask who “they” were. It was obvious from the way that Killua trembled, biting his lip so hard that he drew blood. He ran his hands through his hair, mussing it up so that his tresses fell this way and that, looking completely lost.

  
Kurapika waited for him to continue speaking, knowing from past experience that Killua tended to need time to collect his thoughts when distressed.

  
“I made a deal to get Alluka back unharmed.” Killua’s shoulders slumped down, his neck following. “They want me to find a bride and become the heir.”

  
And now Kurapika knew why Killua was in Kakin, so close to the palace that housed a selection of royal women to choose from.

  
Kurapika grasped Killua’s arm, perhaps a bit too tightly. “There has to be a way out of this. I won’t allow it to happen –“

  
“Look, I’m not risking Alluka’s life right now. I’ll just escape after the wedding. It won’t be that hard.” Kurapika’s heart stung at the stone cold look in Killua’s sapphire eyes and the harsh edges of his clenched jawline.

  
“What kind of friend would I be if I just stood by and watched this happen to you – ?“

  
He stopped mid-sentence when Killua let out a humorless laugh. “I know it’s all messed up. Believe me, I know. But maybe something good can come from all of this if we don’t interfere.” 

  
Before Kurapika could even begin to ponder that statement, his phone rang.

  
He answered it in a daze. “Queen Oito? Yes, I can still pick Woble up from school. I’ll be there soon.”

  
When he hung up, he turned to Killua. “I’m sorry that this is happening to you. I really am. We can talk more about it later.” He paused, studying the forced calm in Killua’s eyes again. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

* * *  
  
While Kurapika was gone, Killua decided to, of course, snoop around the apartment. 

  
He opened the fridge and found that it was reasonably stocked with healthy food – things like grapes and whole-wheat bread and low-fat milk. But it didn’t make sense – Kurapika didn’t look like he was eating much at all lately. 

  
He wandered over to Kurapika’s bedroom, noting that his bed was actually made. While that would be an accomplishment for Killua on any given day, it was simply characteristic of Kurapika to keep his environment tidy. He looked around some more. The bookshelf didn’t contain nearly enough books to keep your average bookworm satisfied. He opened the drawers at random, only finding items of clothing and work documents. 

  
It wasn’t until he’d made his way back to the living room that he finally realized what else was off about Kurapika’s apartment. Where were the photos on the walls? Where were the decorations? These were small things, but Killua felt the impact of their absence.

  
Then, he heard a click coming from the front door and the sound of a child’s sweet voice chattering away, Kurapika’s soothing replies coaxing a giggle out of her.

  
The door opened. Kurapika entered, a four-year-old girl with blonde curls tugging at his sleeve. She looked over at Killua with ocean blue eyes, her tiny face alight with excitement. “Kurapika, Kurapika! Is that him?”

  
He gently eased her bright pink backpack off of her shoulders. “Yes, Woble. This is the friend I was telling you about,” he said, exchanging amused glances with Killua. 

  
“Okay.” 

  
It wasn’t that difficult for a smile to rise to Killua’s lips. “Hi, Woble. My name’s Killua.”

  
She took a few moments to study Killua, surprisingly deep in thought. “You’re cute,” she concluded after some time.

  
Killua blinked in surprise, and Kurapika’s cough sounded suspiciously like a laugh. “Well, anyways, let’s get you something to eat.” 

  
“Do you want some help?” Killua asked, noticing the sleepiness in Kurapika’s eyes. 

  
“Thank you, Killua, but this won’t take long.” 

  
Woble ran to the couch and clambered onto it, fiddling with the remote until a popular children’s show about talking animals came on. 

  
Grinning, Killua entered the kitchen and saw Kurapika placing a straw in one of those tiny juice boxes that children often brought to school. He swiftly pulled bread, turkey, and cheese out of the fridge before speaking. “I still can’t believe she said that.” His eyes sparkled almost as much as they had when Killua had first met him.

  
Killua leaned against the counter, watching Kurapika assemble the sandwich. “I should have expected it,” Killua said jokingly. “I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it, but I’ve been popular with the ladies lately. Not that I can return their feelings or anything, but still.”

  
Kurapika sliced the sandwich in half. “That’s not too surprising to hear. You have a very striking appearance.”

  
Killua stilled for a moment at how nonchalantly Kurapika had said it. 

  
“You know, I remembered something while we were walking back here.” Kurapika examined Killua closely. “You never mentioned Gon in any of your emails. Why is that?”

  
Killua immediately broke eye contact. “We don’t talk anymore.”

  
Kurapika looked at him expectantly, but Killua remained quiet, a secret on his lips.

* * *  
  
A striking appearance. If anyone had a striking appearance, it was Kurapika, at least in Killua’s opinion. He’d never really thought about it before, but Kurapika resembled one of those princes in the storybooks that Alluka used to read at Woble’s age.

  
Speaking of Woble, she had fallen asleep on the sofa, and Kurapika had placed a blanket over her, tenderly brushing her wild curls out of her eyes as he had done so.

  
Killua and Kurapika sat side by side on a different couch, talking quietly. “Are you sure she’s not . . . you know . . .” Killua said, trying to hide his grin and failing.

  
“What?”

  
“Let me put it this way. You’ve spent tons of time around Oito. And Woble’s hair is the same shade as yours. I can put two and two together.”

  
Kurapika’s lips trembled as he held back a laugh. “You do realize that she was already born by the time I started working for Oito, right?”

  
Killua’s grin turned into a faint smile. “In all seriousness, I don’t think she could have asked for a better guard. You’re great with kids.”

  
“I’ve always done my best,” Kurapika said, returning the smile. Killua’s gaze lingered on his. And even after Kurapika looked away, he continued to stare, taking in the ethereal beauty that was ever present despite the tension that always resided in his delicate face.

  
And it was then that Killua decided to make a reckless decision.


	7. Chapter 7

Killua kissed Kurapika.

  
A soft mouth melted into his own. The darkness he met as he closed his eyes was rich with the scent of vanilla and the taste of roses, a deadly concoction of sweetness masked by the thorns that had become entangled in Kurapika’s life. 

  
It was nothing more than a peck on the lips, nothing more than two seconds out of the twisted misery that was Killua’s life. Even so, when he pulled away, it felt as though an eternity had passed.

  
And Kurapika fixed him with wide eyes, so uncharacteristically caught off guard. “Killua . . .” His raspy voice came to a halt, his gaze unwavering, as though hoping he would find an explanation somewhere in Killua’s face.

  
But he certainly wouldn’t find one. For even Killua didn’t understand for the life of him what he had just done.

  
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” 

  
Kurapika opened his mouth to reply, but before he could, his cell phone chimed. 

  
“I have to take Woble back to the palace now.” He paused, opened his mouth, and closed it again before standing up to wake Woble.

* * *

  
Kurapika didn’t know what to think or feel as he drove to the palace. He vaguely registered Woble’s grumpy expression and lack of chatter in the back seat, which was the way she usually behaved after waking up from a nap.

  
She made no effort to get out of her car seat once they arrived at the palace. He sighed, picking her up and walking with her across the grounds. Soon, the garden came into view, lush green grass and flowers in every color blooming. 

  
Kurapika entered the garden with her, finally setting her down. She crossed her arms and looked the other way, and he knew something else must be going on if even visiting the garden had failed to cheer her up.

  
“Are you upset about something, Woble?”

  
She pressed her lips together tightly, forming a tiny pout, still refusing to look his way. He would have found it comical, were it not for her next words. “_I_ like Killua. He can’t like you, too!”

  
Kurapika felt the color draining out of his face. He looked around, not seeing anyone else in sight, and kneeled down to meet her at eye level. “What do you mean?” Oh, but he knew perfectly well what must have happened.

  
“He kissed you! I saw!” she mumbled indignantly, confirming his suspicion.

  
“Listen to me.” Kurapika had never spoken to her so sharply before. Woble blinked immediately, her expression going from frustrated to serious in a split second. “It was a joke. Killua didn’t mean it.” When she gave him a dubious look, he continued. “But you can’t tell anyone. You have to promise me.”

  
“Mama says keeping secrets is bad.” Such a matter-of-fact tone, such innocent words. To think that this small child, whom Kurapika had dedicated years of his life to protecting, might very well be Killua’s undoing . . .

  
Kurapika would do anything to prevent that. Anything. “I said, you cannot tell anyone.” His firm tone put an end to any protests that might have otherwise arisen. He then made an effort to soften his voice somewhat. “If you do, Aniki might find out. Do you understand?” It took everything for his voice not to tremble as the possibility entered his mind.

  
Woble stared at him, contemplating something.

  
“What is it, Woble?”

  
“If Aniki finds out, will he be mean to Killua?”

  
Kurapika could have laughed. What an understatement. “Yes. He would be mean to him.”

  
“Why?” she asked, looking up at him with a concerned blue gaze.

  
Hating himself for it, he gave the answer that would best keep her protected in this cold, cruel kingdom. “Because boys aren’t supposed to like other boys.”

* * *

  
When Kurapika returned, Killua immediately stood up from the sofa and walked over to him.

  
He was such an idiot. That was the conclusion he had come to after spending the past few minutes turning the kiss over and over in his mind.

  
But it was Kurapika who spoke first. “You don’t need to apologize.” It was honestly scary the way that he could read Killua’s mind.

  
Killua had nothing to say to that. He averted his gaze.

  
“I didn’t know you felt that way about me,” Kurapika said quietly. 

  
Killua bit his lip, feeling his face turn red. “You’re straight, aren’t you?”

  
Kurapika grimaced slightly. “To tell you the truth, I’ve been starting to suspect otherwise.”

  
Killua’s heart skipped a beat. A silence washed over the tight hallway. “I don’t know why I did it.”

  
He couldn’t decipher the expression on Kurapika’s face, which was now cast in shadows as nightfall set in. “I was surprised. I’ve never had any feelings for you . . .”

  
Killua’s mouth was set in a tight line as he kept his head down in shame.

  
“Until now.” 

  
Killua looked up immediately. 

  
But he was given no further explanations before Kurapika pressed his forehead against Killua’s. “Tell me something, Killua.” Kurapika’s voice was low, giving away nothing of what he was thinking or feeling. His lips were only a breath away from Killua’s own. “If you could have anything right now, what would it be?”

  
Killua blinked several times, his head swirling. What . . . what was happening? His heart thumped wildly, and his breathing quickened. “I don’t know.“

  
“Of course you know. You want to find hope in the despair.” Kurapika gingerly placed his hands on either side of Killua’s face. 

  
“What about you?” Killua said, nearly whispering. “What do you want right now?”

  
That was when Kurapika leaned in and bridged the gap between their lips.

  
But this kiss wasn’t like the cautious, tender ones Killua was used to giving. Killua parted his lips, and Kurapika thrust his tongue against Killua’s, a hand entwining itself in his hair. 

  
After some time, Kurapika pulled back, breathing heavily, his sun-colored tresses framing the angles of his heart-shaped face.

  
But Killua wasn’t finished yet. Before he knew it, he had Kurapika pressed up against the wall, and he was pressing kisses all along his jawline, his neck, his collarbone. His body reacted with pleasure when Kurapika’s panting breaths reached his ears.

  
Killua and Kurapika’s eyes met at the same time. He read a question in Kurapika’s dark eyes, eyes that were lit up with the kind of spark that could ignite flames and erase tragedies.

  
Killua had an answer waiting for him. “Now isn’t the right time.”

  
Killua turned the lights on, flooding the hallway with light. Kurapika’s cheeks were flushed a dark pink, complementing his blond locks. 

  
Killua knew that Kurapika knew better than to ask why. After all, Kurapika had always been a step ahead of him, guessing all of his secrets before Killua was aware that he even had any to keep.


	8. Chapter 8

If Killua ever found out what Kurapika was thinking right now, he would be devastated.

As he sat there in the darkness of his room, looking over Zodiac documents, he thought of the lie he’d told Killua.

When Killua had first kissed him, he hadn’t seen it coming at all. He’d been shocked out of his mind. After all, Killua was like a younger brother to him.

The truth was, he didn’t feel butterflies when he was around Killua. And he hadn’t felt that way for anyone since his clan’s massacre. After that day, he’d discovered that, despite still being attracted to them, he couldn’t muster true feelings for females anymore. 

In the past few months, he’d also discovered his attraction to men, but of course, he couldn’t feel much for them either. Not that romance had ever been a top priority for Kurapika - but the numbness in his heart had always been strange and alarming to him. He wondered if it would go away even once he claimed all of the scarlet eyes one day.

When he’d kissed Killua, it had been an impulsive decision. He’d seen him standing there with tortured eyes, a kidnapped sister, a future he couldn’t control, and now unrequited feelings for someone who was utterly broken. And he’d wanted to make him happy. 

There was no way he could tell Killua that the kiss had been a mistake - it would only sink him further into misery. But lying to him would do the same thing.

***

Kurapika entered the living room, the television blaring in the background. He could see the way Killua’s shoulders tensed when he felt his presence, and how he nervously tugged at a lock of his snow-colored hair. 

They hadn’t spoken since Kurapika had arrived back from the palace, and now things were just...awkward. Kurapika had to restrain himself from nervously biting his lip.

“You could sleep in my room if you’d like.” The second the words left Kurapika’s mouth, he wanted to smack himself upside the head. 

A faint red blush tinted Killua’s porcelain face. “Moron! You know how that sounds, right? And anyway, I’m perfectly capable of sleeping on this couch right here.”

“You’re my guest, Killua. I insist.”

Killua had no response to that, unless you counted that his face was even redder than before. 

It seemed like Killua wanted him to leave, but...he couldn’t. There was just too much to say. “About earlier...”

“You don’t need to say anything. I get it.” Killua sighed. “Come here. Let’s talk.”

Kurapika furrowed his brow, puzzled. He sat down next to Killua, making sure to keep his distance.

“You just wanted to make me feel better. That’s why you did it.” He wanted to erase that bitter, bitter smile from Killua’s mouth. “But I just want to know something.” He looked at Kurapika, sapphire eyes glowing. “Do you...like me like that at all?” 

The question took him aback. He took a deep breath. “I . . . Please don’t take this the wrong way, Killua. First and foremost, you’re my best friend and nothing will ever change that.”

Killua smirked. “If I wanted to hear something this sappy, I would have bought maple syrup. But continue.”

“Ha ha, very funny,” Kurapika responded wryly before smirking himself. Killua’s habits were really starting to rub off on him, weren’t they? “But it was more of a . . . physical feeling than a romantic one.”

He braced himself for a negative reaction. He still remembered how much anguish Killua used to feel over Gon. He did his best to seem cool and aloof, but underneath all of that was someone who felt love much more intensely than Kurapika ever could.

Killua laughed humorlessly, making Kurapika’s heart sink. Killua shouldn’t sound like that, so lifeless and unlike himself. “It was only physical for me too. So, no hurt feelings here.” Killua turned his head away, and Kurapika was alarmed when he saw his shoulders tremble and heard him sniff.

“Killua!” Kurapika came around to face him, kneeling so that they were at eye level.

Killua finally looked up, tears shining in his eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s stupid.” Pain flashed across his face and he stifled a sob with his hand. “I remembered Gon.”

***

“I ran into him two years ago.”

Killua recalled it as best he could. In his mind’s eye, he still saw the rays of light pouring in through the shop window and illuminating Gon. Gon was breathtaking that day, having only grown more handsome as time had gone by. Beauty had always been effortless for him, the goodness of his heart radiant in his face.

To think that they’d bumped into each other in a candy store of all places, after not speaking for two years.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. Killua had tried, but Gon hadn’t answered any of his phone calls. 

Gon had had the nerve to apologize, saying that he’d been dealing with things similar to the Kite situation.

But resentment had pulsed through Killua’s veins. “A real friend wouldn’t ignore me for two years, no matter what else was going on in his life!”

A shadow had seemed to pass over Gon’s unreadable expression, turning the light into dark. “That’s the thing, Killua. You’re too dependent on me for your happiness. You’re clingy. You think about me all the time. It’s like you think we’re together or something.”

Curious heads had turned their way, observing Killua with disgust. 

And Killua had left, running away from trouble the way Illumi had trained him to.

***

“And you haven’t heard from him since?” Killua nodded. To say Kurapika was surprised would be an understatement. Gon had changed. Or maybe he’d always been that way. When he was happy, he was the best friend anyone could ever ask for. But when things were rough . . .

Killua’s dark lashes contrasted with his alabaster skin as he closed his eyes. He leaned down to rest his head on the pillow, his cheeks still streaked with tears. 

“You need to stop thinking about him. You need to focus on yourself right now.”

“I don’t still . . . love him, if that’s what you think,” Killua said quietly, opening his eyes. “That day, he reminded me of . . . the things Illumi used to say.”

Ah. So Kurapika’s rejection had reminded him of Gon’s rejection, which had triggered his guilt over being attracted to men.

“Tell Illumi he can go to hell and that I’ll help him get there if you ever see him again.”

Killua laughed, a genuine one this time. “Oh my God. You’re really starting to sound like me.” Killua’s laugh was so carefree, like a light that could chase away Kurapika’s darkness. 

And then something strange happened. What was his heart doing?

It was fluttering. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Any predictions? Leave a comment below!


	9. Chapter 9

Killua’s soft breaths were the only sound in the room as he drifted to sleep, leaving Kurapika to ponder his recent realization. Killua rested on his side, an arm lazily covering half his face, his fair hair tousled endearingly.

But Kurapika wouldn’t allow himself to stare too long, to let his heart swell with affection. 

Killua had always been a flame burning in a dark tunnel, the dazzling zigzag of lightning in a sky painted with darkness. 

And such a bright light didn’t belong in the vengeful storm that was Kurapika’s heart.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Killua opened his eyes at six that morning, completely alone and with a pounding head. 

After dressing quickly, he headed to the kitchen and quirked an eyebrow. Kurapika was packing a neon pink lunch box with an octopus-shaped sandwich, apple slices, a string cheese, and a tiny juice box. Oh, and don’t forget the napkins with barnyard animals printed all over them.

“Aren’t her servants in charge of all this?” 

Kurapika tilted his head to the side and . . . rolled his eyes? Maybe Killua was seeing things. “You would think so. But after all the failed assassination attempts, I prefer to pack her school lunch myself.”

Kurapika grimaced as Killua spluttered. “You’ve gotta be kidding me. They really see her as a threat?”

Kurapika grabbed one of the napkins and scribbled something with a pen. “Tell that to the citizens of Kakin. They’re wary of anyone who might try to steal Tserriednich’s throne one day.”

Killua stepped closer, leaning against the kitchen counter. “People can be cruel. Even to kids,” he said softly.

They made eye contact, and a silent message passed between them. _I know_. Fate had struck both of them down with lightning as children, annihilating both Kurapika’s clan and Killua’s freedom. 

Maybe he wanted to kiss Kurapika again because he was just another pretty thing that fascinated him. But maybe there was something more to it. Maybe no one else understood Killua as well as Kurapika did.

But it was a good thing that Kurapika had told him the truth last night, the truth that he held no romantic feelings for Killua whatsoever. If he hadn’t, then Killua wouldn’t have had the incentive to move on to better, more realistic things.

Kurapika’s eyes flicked down to take in Killua’s suit and tie. “I’m guessing you plan to go to the palace today.”

“I agreed to it.” Killua sighed at Kurapika’s tense expression. “Maybe things will go better than we think they will.”

“You think you’re going to magically fall in love with one of the royal women.” Kurapika sounded frustrated as he gripped Killua’s shoulders. “It’s not going to happen, and you _know_ it.” A strange glint shone in his eyes. “Go ahead and show up today, if that’s what you promised your parents. But I won’t let a single thing happen to you.”

“Okay.” Kurapika’s words didn’t fully register with him, but there was no point in getting him even more riled up. “Alright, I trust you to help however you can.” He gave a smile that must have come across as genuine, since Kurapika’s grip on him loosened.

Killua picked up the napkin that Kurapika had written on and read it aloud. “_Enjoy your day - Love from Kurapika_.” Killua found himself laughing as Kurapika blushed in horror. “Can she even read yet?” 

“It’s - well, she knows the words ‘from’ and ‘and,’ “ he said, and Killua laughed harder. He felt Kurapika’s eyes on him the entire time. Mesmerized by his good looks, perhaps? 

“It’s really sweet of you. Some might even say it’s . . . _charming_.” Killua delivered his ultimate special attack - his devastatingly dreamy wink. Or at least, that was how one of his female admirers in Yorknew had referred to it.

Kurapika bit his lip and looked away. Killua grinned. “We should get going. Come on.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“I can -“ Woble gave a series of tiny coughs that aroused Killua’s sympathy. “I can still go to school!”

Kurapika laid the back of his hand over Woble’s forehead, which was peeking out from underneath the pale pink covers. He gave a tender smile, something reserved for her alone. “Not with a fever, you aren’t. How about this? If you stay home and rest, I’ll buy whatever toy you want.”

Killua snorted. Her room was practically a toy store already. Mountains of teddy bears had been carelessly tossed about the room (Kurapika had mentioned that she was a bit of a tomboy), dolls in every type of gown imaginable lined the shelves, and Killua’s assassin training had done little to prevent him from tripping over the dozen or so tricycles that were scattered all over the carpet. On top of that, he had good reason to believe Kurapika was responsible for buying at least half the toys in here.

“Does it have to be a toy?” Woble asked sweetly, a thumb in her mouth.

“Well, I suppose it could be candy as well -“

“I want a boyfriend!”

Killua nearly doubled over in laughter at Kurapika’s stricken expression. He closed his eyes and sighed. “Bill’s been letting you watch teenage sitcoms again, hasn’t he? Oh, geez . . .” 

“Nuh-uh!” Woble shook her head fervently, golden curls becoming ruffled. “I’m over Killua, so now I have to move on! Illumi told me that!”

It was like the air itself froze the moment Illumi’s name was uttered.

Killua’s heart thudded erratically as he exchanged glances with Kurapika. He knew that he must have felt the same sense of foreboding that he did, but Kurapika had never been one to let his emotions show on his face.

“You met someone named Illumi? When was this?” Kurapika spoke softly, careful not to alarm Woble.

“Just yesterday, as a matter of fact,” came an emotionless voice from the door.

Illumi stepped in, an unidentifiable emotion swirling somewhere in the depths of his black eyes. He hadn’t changed one bit in five years appearance-wise, except for the black suit and tie he donned. He was still tall with long dark hair and a blank expression, and he still made Killua and Kurapika tense up, ready for danger.

Illumi’s eyes landed on Killua, but before either brother could say anything, Kurapika spoke coldly. “I’d like to have a word with you. Alone.”

Illumi gazed at Kurapika, eyes unblinking, expression still blank.

Kurapika strode forward, the chains on his right hand clinking together as they began to unravel. “Fine. Let’s talk here, if that’s what you want.” 

“Killua’s been staying with you, hasn’t he?” Illumi sounded mildly interested. “Knowing him, that is rather concerning -“

_Smack_. Kurapika punched Illumi, and purplish skin began to swell around his eye.

But Illumi made no effort to fight back. He simply observed as Kurapika shook with rage, clutching his chains tightly. “What is it you had to say?”

“What you want isn’t going to happen,” Kurapika said through gritted teeth, and Killua stood in shock as his eyes glowed scarlet. “And you’re to stay away from Woble.” With those words, his irises radiated an even more vibrant shade. He was both bold and delicate, frightening yet stunning, in that single moment. 

“Hmm?” Illumi tilted his head to the side. “I don’t find that to be too reasonable. Woble is to become my niece very soon, after all.” Illumi smiled, and it somehow made him seem less human than he already was. “Oh, and do take care to propose soon, or Tserriednich will start to believe the rumors about you, Kil.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Kurapika was far more shaken than Killua. Killua had convinced him to take a seat on one of the benches in the garden, and his head was buried in his arms.

“You didn’t know, did you?” Kurapika sounded so distant, so chilling. 

“No, of course not! Dad said they wanted to set me up with Fugetsu, not Oito.” Killua clenched his fist. “Illumi must have seen some kind of potential in Woble. He must want her to be the heir after me.” Killua swore under his breath. “And what’s this about rumors?”

“I think I know.” Kurapika lifted his head up and looked Killua in the eye. He explained how he’d told Woble not to tell anyone about the kiss, and Killua laughed. “Killua, this isn’t funny.”

He continued to laugh, pressing his palm into his forehead. He looked up, meeting Kurapika’s gaze. “The two of us always get the short end of the stick, don’t we? I might get the death penalty if Tserriednich suspects me of being gay, and you might lose Woble.”

“Don’t even say that. It’s not going to -“

“Not going to happen? I mean, that remains to be seen, since you still haven’t told me what your plan is yet.”

Kurapika didn’t meet his eyes. “You’ll find out, sooner or later. It’s best if you don’t know.”

There was no arguing with Kurapika when he got like this. Killua placed his hand over Kurapika’s soft, slightly larger one. The only sound to be heard was the pattering of the water arcing across the fountain, and the sweet aromas of every flower imaginable filled the air.

Kurapika’s smoky irises examined Killua’s lips before settling on a patch of grass to his left. He pried his hand away from Killua’s, his eyes downcast. “It’s not safe to do that here. But even if it were, I already said I’m not interested.”

“That’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard you say.” But Kurapika made no effort to respond. Silence passed between them.

“I don’t want to marry her. Not if it means Woble will suffer the same way I did.” He thought of the electric shocks, the isolation, the jobs he’d been forced to carry out against his will.

“I know.” 

There was more Killua wanted to say, but he didn’t.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

They were completely alone. 

Her hair was tied up in a bun, silky strands of hair framing the front of her face. She had pink lips and a rosy complexion, and her golden dress sparkled underneath the ballroom lights. Despite being thirty-two, she appeared no older than twenty-five. 

And it was only now that it really hit Killua - he’d been foolish to think he would ever be able to fall in love with a woman. Oito was the picture of feminine beauty, with warm dark eyes and a kind smile, but he still felt nothing. He imagined it would have been the same with her stepdaughter, Fugetsu.

She sipped the tea that Bill had brought in for their meeting. “If Tserriednich has agreed to the match, then I’m afraid little can be done.” She smiled wryly. “Few who go against him end up alive in the end.”

Killua didn’t know how to tell her what his family’s intentions for Woble were. It was obvious no one had bothered to explain to her that he came from a family of assassins, not nobles.

“I know, but -“ Killua’s eyes widened, leaving his sentence unfinished.

Oito was clutching her throat, her face turning blue, and she fell onto the floor, coughing up blood.

In two seconds, she stilled, lying on her side, her eyes closed.

Killua didn’t need to feel her pulse to know she was dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was chapter 9! Thanks for reading! Any thoughts?
> 
> If you're wondering why it took so long to update, I actually wrote 3 oneshots in the past few weeks:  
My Hisoka/Machi oneshot can be found at this link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21909067  
Here's my Hisoka/Illumi oneshot: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21980638  
And finally, I did a oneshot between Hisoka and Near from Death Note at this link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22120006


	10. Chapter 10

When Killua looked up, ridden with shock, it was Gon who was staring back at him.

His honey-colored irises were set with a familiar determination as he reached out to take Killua’s hand. Gon was a prince in a sea of red, rooting Killua where he stood.

The obvious questions to ask would have been, _What’s going on?_ or _Why are you here?_

But there wasn’t time for questions.

Which was why Killua, trained in the art of keeping calm in the face of death, didn’t protest when Gon led him to the side of the room, past the corpse on the floor.

When he opened the window, there was nothing left to do but jump out, Gon’s protective gaze on him as he did so.

…………

Sneaking around corners, slipping past guards, slowing his heartbeat down as a siren activated - those were the easy parts. Even if he was aware the entire time of Gon’s heartbeat, forever in sync with his, catching up to him while they escaped the palace grounds.

No time for past grudges to creep up. No time to dare to speak, to alert anyone to their presence.

Until they reached the forest. 

And Killua finally met the gaze of the boy before him. 

What was there to say again?

“Kurapika said he needed my help. He should be safe now - no one will suspect him.” One half of Gon’s face was swallowed by shadows, the other swathed in the incandescent glow peeking through the branches. “I had to do it.” 

_I had to do it._

He looked like a fairytale image, but spoke with an eerie calmness that didn’t add up. His eyes were taking Killua in, and he looked ready to burst into tears, as though he thought the entire world was about to swallow him up and bury him where he stood.

“Yeah? In what world would Kurapika ask you to do something like _that_, Gon?” 

Gon was shaking, tears paving their way down olive cheekbones as maroon lips trembled. “He said to slip the poison into Tserriednich’s tea.”

Killua strode closer, until he could see every detail on his face - each shimmering teardrop, each freckle, each dark eyelash. It didn’t surprise him when Gon didn’t take a single step back.

“You killed her for me.” Killua nearly whispered the words. “So that she couldn’t be with me.”

“Alluka’s safe. She’s with Leorio.” 

He’d figured as much. Killua traced Gon’s lips with a stare alone. “You like changing the subject.” 

Maybe Gon was crying because he thought he was still too twisted, too selfish, to be around Killua, even after all these years. Maybe he wasn’t wrong.

He blinked, and found himself being enveloped in a hug. Gon smelled like nature, like childhood and friendship wrapped into one. He was the wind whipping past them as they raced through the streets of Yorknew, the fresh grass they lied on during Greed Island, and the sunset lowering in the sky the first time they parted ways.

And then, Gon pulled away, as though afraid Killua would be angry. He didn’t seem to know what to say. Killua didn’t know either.

Killua brushed Gon’s hand with his own, before deciding against what he had been about to do. 

When Killua turned away, turned his back on Gon once more, he knew that it was for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story's finally over!!!!!! I left it very open-ended, but I'd love to hear how you interpreted the ending or whether or not you liked it. I'll admit that this story wasn't as well executed as I would have liked, but I learned a lot about writing by writing this story.
> 
> I plan on starting a brand-new Killugon story next week that will be a lot more lighthearted (and, hopefully, better written) than this one was! So, stay tuned if you're interested.
> 
> And, I'm so happy about all the comments and kudos everyone's left for this story! It's what gives me the motivation to write :)


End file.
